How do I begin to heal from something that I'm not convinced I have? Clearly postpartum depression is stamped all over me because I'm in such a funk that I just feel completely worthless sometimes. This is miserable. I used to feel so strong and powerful after Evan was born. What happened?
Somewhere along the way, in trying to conceive Lindy, I allowed myself to become so wrapped up in my own little world. I became so entrenched in my own problems that I forgot to let God in. I shut Him out, only to open the door and scream for help when all felt lost. It was me that was lost. What the heck was I thinking?
It took 14 long months to conceive Lindy, and both Mike and I underwent infertility testing. I won't get into that right now, but we really stressed ourselves out. Even though getting a positive pregnancy test was elating, the pregnancy began under stress, and continued that way. Then we moved. More stress. Then I couldn't decide where to delivery Lindy. More stress. Then I hurt ALL THE TIME. More stress. I was one big stress ball by the time labor actually started.
I should have gone to therapy during the pregnancy! And I definitely should have gone to church more often!
I'm trying not to blame myself for this postpartum depression, and I'm trying to understand and accept that it is something I'm dealing with. It's not easy though. Blaming myself for everything bad that happens is so easy. I found a million reasons for why Lindy's birth was more difficult than Evan's. Now I'm finding a million more reasons why this postpartum depression exists. What I need to do is stop searching for blame and accept that things aren't quite right. Then I need to give them to God, and ask for help. I need to leave the depression in His hands. He has to help me heal from this.
Today, I'm not quite sure how to do that.
1 comment:
Are you looking for causes or to assign blame? I guess in a certain sense causes don't matter, but in another sense understanding why things are the way they are can help us to avoid the same situations later or better deal with them if the reoccur. It's okay to want answers, I think. Either way, God can and will help you. Sometimes God's answers don't come in the way we think they will, but His ways in the long run are amazing and beautiful.
I think about that with regard to the whole situation when my water was broken for a week while Mom was dying in the hospital. All I wanted to do was go and see her, yet that was the one thing I was not allowed to do. At the time, it felt like the worst form of torture, yet God had His plan in that, to 1. protect me from seeing what I couldn't handle and 2. to give me hope with new life and the beautiful birth of Lily. I couldn't have understood all of that at the time. I just had to rely on God for strength and trust the process.
PPD is no different from any other physical or emotional ailment. It's not because of anything you did wrong. If you can, trust God's process and the knowledge that on the other side of this, everything will make more sense to you and you will have a testimony that you can use to help others.
Hang in there!! You know I'm sending lots of prayers your way.
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